| Literature / Poetry / Human Nature / Urban & Spoken Word | ©2011-2013 $namenotrequired |
Well, at least I did half a year ago when I started writing this, I never finished it until today though. The way I started writing this is quite typical for my approach... I was listening to music, and suddenly one possible interpretation for one line from the lyrics struck me, and I write a poem based on that (pretty much the same thing as I mentiond in my Devious Minds interview too).
(I kinda picked this one as reference to Keane's song of the same name... I think it has a similar feeling in some respect. 
but I would like it to have a better title...
`namenotrequiredUnder Creative Commons Licence
for the first to guess which Delain song inspired this.
love 2
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joy 0
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wow 0
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mad 0
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sad 0
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fear 0
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neutral 0
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Deviousness `anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Sta.sh
You can choose a combination of different amounts. Want to buy $45 worth of points? Choose '2,000' once and '800' twice.
Please let me in might be better then come let me in - because "come" seems to imply more action then what I would expect eternity to make.
I like the last line the way it is. "may never begin" is much more negative and sad and I think this piece is uplifting in a way right now. More hopeful the way it is and I like that better.
Your repetition works well in this - I like it.
In all, I loved the form of this! Beautiful rhyme and rhythm present!
Although the idea in it has been used before, I believe you've given it a unique twist in your language and rhyme scheme. It's dreamy and hopeful, but doubting at the same time.
Regarding the points you laid out in your artist comments:
*"come let me in" ...please let me in to me sounds like it would work better in that stanza, it makes a bit more sense that way.
*Last line...I am at an impasse on that one because I like the way both sound truth be told. Especially after reciting the whole thing numerous times in my head as I am known to do when writing any form of comment/critique on a poetry piece. So, in truth I leave that final line to you to decide which you prefer for it.
*Semi-repetition of third line...It bothers me slightly, but not overly much. It doesn't sound quite right in my head, truth be told. The line itself seems kind of clunky and doesn't fit just right. Perhaps something along the lines of "I dream of things that could make me immortal," as it is the word "these" that kind of throws it off for me.
*Wording - I see very little issue with the wording, I know someone commented about "all my love for a wife" should be something more along the lines "all my love for my wife" but to me that doesn't sound right, it works better the way t hat you have it. Structure is really good, it works with the way that the poem flows.
*Layout..I like this layout, the inset smaller lines draw you to them as you continue reading and work well for this particular piece.
As for a title....."A Dream of Forever" is the first thing that came to me when I read it.
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