deviant art

Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
[x]
Download File
HTML, 616 bytes
more ▶

More from $namenotrequired

Featured in Groups:

Details

May 20, 2012
616 bytes
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Statistics

Comments: 59
Favourites: 47 [who?]

Views: 982 (0 today)
Downloads: 20 (0 today)

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 License.
[x]
I wish I could sing you a love song
about roses and stars and the rain
but I couldn't sing like the blackbird in spring
so I think I will simply refrain.

I wish I could tell you a story
about beauty and trust and my heart
but all I could say's what they say every day
So I don't even know where to start.

I wish I could write you a poem
'bout the birds and the bees and my bed
but all I would write's being said every night
So I wrote you a cliche instead.
:iconnamenotrequired:
Today is two years ago since I first spoke to `Gwendolyn12 :love: She loves my poetry (she was really happy with this one as well:heart:) but ironically, since I met her I don't write as much, also because I'm happier.:D

I appreciate critique! :)
The third line bothers me in particular.. suggestions for the line or rhyme word are welcome. :D

Thanks a lot to =DailyLitDeviations for the DLD feature :love:

^namenotrequired
Under Creative Commons Licence


Also see;

Our OWN cliche Forget the expensive chocolates and champagne,
And the dozen half wilted red roses.
As long as I can somehow have you forever,
Cheap whiskey and strings of daisy chains
Will be more than enough for me.

Forget the 'atmospherically lit' fancy restaurant ,
With its long and unpronounceable menu.
Just a simple moment shared with you
Fish and chips by candlelight (because the power is out)
Is perhaps silly, but in my eyes  just as romantic.

Forget the gold and diamond encrusted monstrosities,
Dismiss talk of carats and such gaudiness.
Expensive won't make me love you somehow more,
Than if you chose to - on bended knee, propose;
Broken Love Sonnet Why do you never fail to break my heart?
I lived for you and gave you all my soul
Now since the end I don't know where to start
To fix myself and once more make me whole

You watched me cry and made me dry my tears
With sheets filled with memories of the past
I followed you beyond my greatest fears
For just a moment's high that did not last

For all the pain in my life I could list
The hardest was your silent blow to me
You ignored me like I did not exist
But from chains of guilt God has set me free

Once I followed you and called you my love
But now I follow hope that's from above
Cliche You say my love is cliché
But hey, it's so true
For you, I'd give the world
And then some
For you, I'd give my heart
And then some
For you, I'd give my life
Until it's all gone

But hey
You say my love is cliché
And I would venture to say
I agree
Because you see
What's wrong with true devotion?
It sends my soul into an explosion
Mind in motion
You are my potion

I would even venture to say
I love you more then roses
I care for you more then the beautiful blue jay
Like lark song littering the daylight
I miss you when you cannot stay
As the stone cold stern of the boat is leaving the bay
Waves rocking it to sleep
Cliche "I'm happiest when I'm with you."
"You're beautiful inside and out."

Somehow when you say them,
They sounds less cliche and more
Beautiful.

...

I'm sorry, was that too cliche?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconartfreakthea:
Other than this previous critique, I prefer not to talk about the rhymes and that kinda stuff. Quite the contrary, I think you should get away from the tendency to rhyme for the sake of the rhyme... (for example your second stanza, I think, seems a little like to you didn't focus as much on the contents as on the form)

Apart from that I really like the style, the message and the wink within. You could have probably even extended it a little! I think the one real little shortcoming of that poem is, it comes out... a little short ;)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconjulian0123:
For the record, this is the first critique I write to a poem.
It's very good; the man try to conquer the girl with precious thing but with nothing more than common and everyday things.
The rhyme is ok; but song and spring... not so much (I suggest you use the word among). Rain and refrain was unexpected; bed and instead fits perfectly.
The visual images are good, and the love in the poem is touching; its a bit short, but most of poems are this long these days.
I congratulate you for a very well worked poem. And the cliche it's a bit funny.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

love 3 3 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconancientpoet:
Well said and from the heart
Reply
:iconnamenotrequired:
$namenotrequired Dec 17, 2012  Student Interface Designer
Thank you! :aww:
Reply
:iconkolawolf:
~KolaWolf Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It is so good I love it!
Reply
:iconnamenotrequired:
$namenotrequired Oct 13, 2012  Student Interface Designer
Thanks :hug: sorry to make you cry :P
Reply
:iconkolawolf:
~KolaWolf Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:)
Reply
:iconkolawolf:
~KolaWolf Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It is starting to make me cry
Reply
:iconkolawolf:
~KolaWolf Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I love it!
Reply
:iconkolawolf:
~KolaWolf Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Beautiful!
Reply
:iconinfinite-heart:
Mood: Love `Infinite-Heart Jun 25, 2012   General Artist
So sweet. I really like the power and emotions here. It flows well, and the structure is smooth.

Wonderful poem! :hug:
Reply
Add a Comment: